In America, the corporal punishment of children is legal with many vocal supporters. The foremost practitioners of this ancient ritual in the United States are the Asians. While many European immigrants came to this country with less of a cultural basis for beating one’s children, many Asian parents had no such discouragement. In fact, it was considered culturally necessary to give a good beating in order not to lose face. It’s not a case by case thing, it’s an entire society that supports the parent in using corporal punishment. While the practice is declining among Asians, most consider it acceptable except in cases of permanent harm or beatings from people not in the immediate family.
Anyway, on to the list of things used on the backsides of my generation. Oh, the memories of being Asian…
-Rice Paddle
This is what we scoop rice with. It often has “ribs” on one side to grip the rice easier. Unfortunately, this also causes red marks that don’t go away easily if your mom pulls your pants down for a spanking.
-Rolling Pin
Of course, the Chinese version of a rolling pin is about a quarter of the diameter of an American rolling pin. Still hurts like hell. It’s only about three centimeters in diameter, but holy goddess almighty is it intimidating.
-Metal Ruler
Crap, this hurts like nothing else on earth. The thing is that most parents used it sparingly because it tends to hurt the hand holding it if you smack the kid hard enough. Some moms thought that the more their hand hurt, the more justice they were dealing out.
-Wooden Ruler
This doesn’t hurt as much as a metal ruler, but it’s easier on the parents’ hands.
-Cleaver
Yeah, this is one of those butcher knives that every Chinese house has. I don’t think anyone was actually hit with one of these, it was just a constant threat. Didn’t help that sometimes there was fresh blood on it from the evening meal prep.
-FedEx Tube
It was just handy around the house. Chinese people never throw packaging away. Don’t tell my dad that USPS tubes are cheaper and even thicker.
-Chopsticks
They may look small but it’s essentially a very thin stick so it concentrates more force on one area of your hand or butt. And it leaves welts.
-Sandals
There’s no negative connotation with whacking someone with a sandal in China (compared to the Middle East). They’re also fairly clean objects since all Asians have separate outdoor shoes and indoor sandals (therefore, easily accessible). I think most Asian kids have kept the secret that it doesn’t hurt as much if you have your pants on. Shhhhhh!
-Phone
If you were smart enough to discard your sandals, you probably got thwacked with this on the head.
-Back Scratcher
Every elderly Asian grandmother has one of these to get those hard to reach places. It’s essentially a long bamboo stick with a CLAW on the end.
-Bamboo Cane
I was never beaten with one of these, although it’s a traditional beating implement. American health insurance helps provide grandparents with METAL canes and crutches now.
-Rolled-Up Newspaper/Magazine
Chinese magazines are typically a lot longer (length-wise) so this is really effective. That and the fact that nobody throws these things away so you could be beaten with some news magazine from the late 1970s. Now you know what the family dog feels.
-Double-Fisted
Instead of being beaten with only one hand, the parent switches hands when the other one turns red from multiple thwackings.
-Car Keys
Handiest thing in dad’s hand when he comes home after a hard day’s work and sees that you’ve been misbehaving.
-”Bush Stick”
Another traditional tool. The parent goes outside and pulls a branch off a tree or shrub. However, this can rapidly deplete the foliage in the yard.
-Broken Chair Leg
What can I say? Chinese people are really resourceful. That and the fact that you were the one that broke the chair in the first place…
-Extension Cable
You roll it up and it makes something vaguely like a short whip. I think many of my friends have repressed this from their childhood memories.
-Flyswatter
Besides being left with dead insect residue on your posterior, this thing SNAPS as it hits you.
-Broken Support from Flower Rack
Probably only my mother used this one. I guess she considered it wasteful to throw away a broken garden display. Might as well use it to beat her son.
In conclusion, I am sure that the practice of angry Chinese-American parents giving their children a severe spanking will continue onwards through the 21st century. I can also say with certainty that it will continue into the 22nd century with little intervention unless there is a significant shift in immigration patterns and the amount of Asians raised on American soil outnumber the “old guard” from the Far East.
